Mentally · Stable

I don't necessarily know what though. I've been out of it. I haven't done anything remotely interesting this weekend yet, friday was the improv. show, we rocked the house. Thank god for pat wall, so funny. I've been thinking about how I want to live my life, I know what I want to do, and where I want to go, but I don't know how I'll get there, I have too many options.
I'm lost, I've been writing a lot, but I keep the posts private because I'm not ready for feed back.

my camera's broken. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm bored with life.

I was sick of taking care of it, most of it was dead anyway so I decided to get over it, and just cut it.

It grows fast, so those of you who are going to say "omg, why?! I love your hair long" shut the fuck up, because it'll be long again before the end of summer.

Valentines day was just another day, I really don't care about it, so I don't have any comments on it.

I'm in quite the bitchy mood today, because I can be. I didn't go to school, because there was a 2 hour delay, and it seemed really fucking dumb to truck my ass all the way to Marlboro for a few hours, just to get on the bus for another hour and a half bus ride.

by the way, I've decided to go to college. I'm wasting my time in high school, so I'm going to take the tests and just get on with my life.

I don't know what's going on tonight, but tomorrow I'm going bowling with Anthony, Rich, Karen, and Dominic.
Some other people too, but I don't care about them.
I'm going to get in the shower, clean the bathroom, feed the animals, and do some dishes.

If anything interesting happens tonight, I'll update again.

the petal says he loves me
but I'm not quite sure of that
and I know that he'll take care of me
but this is hell, and I'm a bat

...tell me what this picture looks like to you

Sundays are my favorite, because I relax all day and unwind. I woke up at nine, and listened to music for two hours. I took the best shower today, and then made myself a club sandwich and watched the idiot box for a little bit.

School tomorrow, I haven't been there in so long, I can't wait. I'll probably get yelled at all day about how bad my attendance is, but I really don't care. Mr. O'brien better be there, he's the chillest teacher I've ever had. He plays all kinds of instruments, and sings like an angel. On top of all of that, he's a great listener and the best choir teacher I've ever had.

I'm going to my father's house on friday, to figure out a room situation. I know I'll like it there, but I'm going to miss this town.

Oh yeah, I got a job today :)
For the past week I wake up and say to myself "self discipline" it motivates me, try it.
Because I've been lacking, and the only way I'm going to make it anywhere is if I practice self discipline.

No one tells me to wake up, go to school, clean your room, eat healthy, get a job, I have to do everything on my own, and I'm grateful for that.

Winter time is for reminiscing, in my opinion. What else is there to do but get high, and talk about all the fun shit you did in the summer?

Throw snowballs at unsuspecting cars passing by? Been there, done that. Besides the snow has been absolutely pathetic, thank you global warming.

How about, bowling alley? boring alley.
pool hall? it's getting old.

I should get a job.

I cleaned half of my room today and gave up when my closet bar fell as I put the last item in that I had to hang up.
Went to 7-11 to hang out with Anthony for a bit, we chatted about the law, and tattoos.

I've decided to get two elephants on my lower back under the 3 stars, sitting up, with their trunks up, facing each other.
I need to get a job.
Eighteen is only 2 months away, I've never dreaded a birthday more. My mom and I had a big argument today, I might have to move to lakehurst. Whatever, I'm not going to stress myself out anymore, it's not worth it. Soon I'll be supporting myself, and none of it will matter anymore.

I need some sleep.

...I'm so sick right now.

How did this happen, I take care of myself. I guess you can't avoid getting sick all the time. My chest hurts, my nose is stuffed.. I didn't even move today until 4:00.

Ugh, I need to go back to bed.

with ginseng & honey jasmine

That's one hellafied drink. I just got home from tom lucus' car. Bowl ride. We listen to the best music on earth, seriously. School was pretty lame today, I swear they hold auditions for new students and if you're

a. mentally insane
b. mentally retarded
c. all of the above

you qualify.

You could also get in by being a complete and utter douche bag, apparently. I'm in a good mood though.

This was my favorite part of the day:

on the lunch line

me- hey john you should call me soon
john- definitely
me- ok true

I go to the lunch table with my lunch

john goes to the table next to the one I'm sitting at oblivious to the fact that I'm the next table over states:

"Nichole was all like hey when are you gunna call me, and I was like yeah I'll call you.... psht yeah right stupid.. (his eyes meet mine)...
oh I mean that's what's in this note... umm.. "

me-...so john you ever talk shit about people?
john-...

end.

The thing is, I don't even like the kid, I was just being nice to him because he only has one friend in the whole school.
whatever.

I'd bitch a lot less, and I probably wouldn't need this journal.
but I don't have a million dollars, therefore I bitch a lot more, and this is the perfect place to bitch.

Ironically, I won't be bitching right now, I'm great, and after getting lifted, I'll be even better.
I sat on klye's porch for three hours today, we talked about the cold and the way it will be when it's warm again. I'm almost positive that winter freezes my soul, leaving me with all the horrible emotions until spring comes and my insides thaw. I'm a different person in the summer, I'm always happy, occupied and content.

then my journal gets dusty, and by the time I'm back, I have no idea what I was talking about in the last entry.

I'm going to play scrabble and smoke with my friend rich tonight. He's gay, and has an over-stock of great wine that we dip into every saturday night, I can't wait.

before that I have to hang out with tom and danielle, james and eric.
I better go get ready.

Today was fine. School was ok, I just wish it was over already. I know it's my fault that I'm so far behind, but I hate it. I went to kyle's when I got home, smoked and watched the history channel, it's funny how somethings go completely different then you thought they would.
I need some kind of release, other than writing. I don't even feel like typing right now, but if I don't, I'll go insane. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it's partly true.

The urge to kill my mothers boyfriend has become seriously frightening, I feel like I'm on the edge of a building being poked in the back repeatedly.
I went out to dinner with tom, danielle and matt, I enjoyed myself, but I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time. My head is flooded with thoughts 24/7 it's becoming unbearable. I've had extensive conversations with people, that I don't even remember.

I need a break.

I'm not going to waste a second of my life trying to prove to you that I am and was always a good friend and there for you
because actions speak louder than words, and if you review the entirety of our friendship, or whatever it was, I guarantee you'll find that I was always there for you and did what I could to make your life easier, even if it wasn't much.

I never meant to cause you trouble, maybe you'll realize that someday. If not, it's just dust in the wind.

As for your sorry excuse for evidence, of me "talking shit" about others in front of you... like who?

Anytime I talked shit about someone in front of you, you were "talking shit" with me. How does that give you grounds to use it as evidence?

For the record, it wasn't ever me "talking shit" it was talking with a good friend about someone I did not like, and that's allowed.

I would tell all these people what I have said about them to their faces, and you know that... I've demonstrated it in front of you on countless occasions.
You don't have to like me, but don't go making false accusations on me, because I don't do that to you.

I thought you knew me better than you do, obviously I was wrong, my bad.
I wish you nothing but happiness and well-being.

farewell.

I deleted all of my entries and such, I'm starting fresh.
Honestly it's been at least a year since I've posted anyway, no one ever reads this thing.
I'm using it for my benefit only, if you happen to stumble across my journal, feel free to read it.
View it as your own reward for finding it in the first place.

My life has changed in so many ways, I love myself, my true friends, and family.
I'm working towards a better life day after day.

I'll be back.

I'd be more than a millionaire.
There is nothing that I can say about a person that I wouldn't be able to say personally to their face.
If you have a problem with me, do yourself a favor and tell me about it, otherwise good riddens.

Today I hung out with an old friend, a dear friend, someone I will always, in some way, be connected to. If she hadn't called, I'd probably be in a mental zoo of emotions right now. I've never been able to express myself easily, my brain works different. Majority of people take me the wrong way, and first impressions are pretty important.
I've decided to forget about what people think of me a long time ago, if I cared, i'd be miserable.

I'm content, calm, happy, I've always been.
certain circumstances change my mood from time to time, but if my mood were always the same I wouldn't be very interesting, now would I?
You can think what you want of me, whoever you may be, just know it won't phase me one bit.

my mom made peanut butter rice krispies today, sweet right?